In the third grade, at the age of 8, I jumped up in the middle of class and said to the teacher, “I get it! We’re here to be capitalists, right? If I know where a well of water is and someone is thirsty, I don’t tell them where the well is; I keep it secret and sell them a cup instead! That’s capitalism, right?”
She said that was a good description of capitalism.
“Then I’m done here! I’ve come to tell them where the well is!”
I pushed my school books off the desk; the books they were going to spend a whole year with that I had read in a weekend; and I ran over and climbed out the window!
I walked miles to get home and was never going back. I already knew there was nothing there of value; there was only a lot to distract you with.
I had already noticed what was missing.
They made me keep coming back for years.
It had been during my first month of kindergarten when i ran into a problem with the system.
The teacher said 1 + 1 = 2. Always.
Somehow we got in an argument over whether one plus one… always… equals two.
“The only constant is change; everything changes!” I said as I pushed over a bookshelf.
Now, 50 years later I know that according to Buddha, “A doesn’t always equal A”.
If you are adding one dollar with another dollar and the interest rate fluctuates as you are doing so, do you really think you have two dollars? Turns out even the speed of light fluctuates constantly… they ‘froze’ it so you can do ‘math’ on it. The temperature at which water boils is an independent variable dependent on barometric pressure. The direction from which the sun rises is an independent variable dependent upon the spatial location of the observer and their axial tilt. (both those questions are in IQ tests and that’s how I answered them at age 15)
Apparently i got so angry about it that i pushed over the bookshelves, which hit the next set and the next and the next; kind of went down like big dominoes.
There weren’t any kids between the bookshelves, but it still got me expelled for a week. I missed a whole week of kindergarten; who knows who i might have been, huh?
This event set me on my second search for a big answer.
Why can’t grownups get along?
Is there a single true Constant… that doesn’t change?
I was really disturbed by the pledge of allegiance thing; didn’t see how I could ride four horses at the same time, (flag, US, America and the Republic) so i would recite the alphabet backwards or count my teeth while everybody else was doing that.
Nobody knows when or how i started reading. As soon as i could hold things i was reading them. Mom tells a story of everyone handing me their christmas and birthday cards to read and impressed that i could read even the cards printed in cursive at age four. I had read all the children’s books from several households, and been to the library many times before kindergarten.
On birthdays the family would take turns with the big dictionary trying to find a word i couldn’t spell; no one ever did. In the 3rd grade they stopped the tradition.
When kindergarten began i had already started on my Dad’s 300 book library. At age 5 while the other kids were taking naps on their mats i was reading Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clarke, Robert A. Heinlein. This is memorable because i was reading Pellucidar, by Edgar Rice Boroughs during the first month of kindergarten and the teacher asked me what i was reading; apparently i told her.
My mom told the story a few times; the teacher talked to her that day and was upset that i was reading such adult material.
She asked, “Well, does he understand it?”
To which the teacher replied, “Yes, and that’s what’s so disturbing!”
I don’t remember much else till the 3rd grade. During it, i finished the last book from Dads library; 200 science fiction novels and 100 other assorted works.
I was severely hypoglycemic when young; although no one, even myself, knew it at that time. It is said a hypoglycemics IQ can swing 70 points.
The swing in one direction was paralyzing, physically unable to move, absolute, throbbing, nonverbal, nightmarish fear; I was hanging on to life and sanity by sheer willpower alone and it seemed to last forever each time.
In the other direction, I would swing up and enter a state when I would be looking at something ordinary, like a flower or a shoe or a pencil or my hand; all of a sudden, all labeling would stop, the mind would drop and I would be merging with what was seen and all was glowing and Divine.
There was only the awareness of seeing it in a way no one had ever been able to see it before. It would last forever, it seemed; now I know that time had dropped along with the mind during these mere moments of oneness that lasted forever.
Then the moment would be gone and I would swing back towards agony again. I didn’t really understand it or know how to control it; and often it would happen at the worst of times.
But, it was always Divine.
These Divine Non-Dual moments eventually stopped happening, but came to shape my every response to life in a super-conscious, rather than a subconscious way; the moments of stark fear in the other direction came to shape my responses in a subconscious way.
The swing from one extreme to the other covered the entire range of what my circuitry could handle. It covered the entire range of possible emotions for me at the time, with non-dual dropping of the mind occurring at each extreme of the swing, but for two different reasons.
Both eventually stopped happening to such extremes. But always there was The Swing.
So, later as a teenager I started experimenting with drugs. I was looking for The Divine again, but didn’t really know it at first.
It was also in the third grade that I finally challenged the science teacher; I was still after this one plus one always equals two thing they were trying to sell.
He put his hands on his hips in front of the class and said, “Well then, give me your argument why one plus one doesn’t always equal two!”
I said, “Take an ounce of this liquid, mix it with an ounce of that liquid and you get a lot more than two ounces of liquid; you get an explosion, or a gas cloud of poison that kills ten blocks of people. How about a pound of plutonium added to another pound and you get a nuclear bomb? (my father had been involved in the Cuban missile crisis)
As a matter of fact, I can think of a whole bunch of things I wouldn’t want to be around when you add them together and try to prove they only equal two.”
I was laughing so hard…
His face scrunched up and his mouth started opening and closing like a fish… finally he could speak… he sent me to the principals office.
From then on it was my mission to try and get each teacher to contradict themselves in their own field of specialty.
I thought of it as trying to find someone intelligent to talk to; someone that didn’t cling to inconstant phenomena; someone that wasn’t trapped in the paradigms they were selling, the spin they were programming us with.
I got sent to the principals office a lot.
Collaboration is the Process of Synthesis, occurring through non-competitive creative cooperation and the development of a shared knowledge base through the reduction of asymmetrical information, compartmentalization and hierarchy.
Collaboration is the highest form of Cooperation, if it involves willing parties who practice Full Disclosure without thought of gain or advantage over the other parties.
Collaboration occurs when these collaborators contribute their various assets, creative resources and knowledge bases towards a shared goal; the synthesis of their combined inputs result in the finished work.
In music, for example, the last collaborator to join the group that creates a specific song is kept track of for copyright reasons.
In a larger sense, with any project or work, there is a ‘last collaborator’ who joins the project and then it gets completed; it helps even more if they arrive with both the necessary critical information and the right tools for the project.
We have all been the last collaborator many times for others who were needing help with projects.
In the project of someone with a flat tire or broken down vehicle you were the last collaborator when you showed up with tools and jumper cables.
In the project of someone preparing a meal, you were the last collaborator when you went into the kitchen and helped them.
In the project of someone needing to enter a building, you were the last collaborator when you held the door open for them.
In the project of someone who is suffering through painful or difficult events, you were the last collaborator when you ‘held their hand’ through the ordeal.
In the project of someone seeking a lost item, you were the last collaborator when you showed up and discovered where they left it.
I had a ‘disorder’ for a very long time and everybody tried to help me, but after all of the ordinary experts and their ordinary solutions, I still had the same problem.
Some problems would be worth anything to be free of.
For a long time, I had an idea of a ‘me’ I knew I could become. A ‘better me’ I would like to think of myself as, and just knew there had to be ‘something more’… but I felt stuck. After everywhere I had been, everything I had done, everywhere I had looked, everyone I had talked to, and every state I had experienced… I was still just me.
Some things would be worth anything to attain.
In the Project of Life, if the goal is to find a fast moving trail up a mountain to a comfortable perch, and everyone is slipping around on the ice and stumbling into each other, the last collaborator would be the one who shows up with a rope.
In the Project of Life, if the goal is to unravel this huge, tangled, knotted-up mess we have made of our big ball of string, the last collaborator would be the one who finally brings a sword.
You’ve collaborated with everyone in your life towards these ‘projects’. You’ve searched for solutions everywhere. With any project or work, there is a ‘last collaborator’ who joins the project and then it gets completed. It helps even more if they arrive with both the necessary critical information and the right tools for the project.
Well, this is me showing up… rope in one hand and a sword in the other.
The Sword of Truth is to cut away falsehood and reveal what we are not.
The Rope of Compassionate Discernment is to reveal what we truly are contributing, to pull us away from it a bit and to show that we already had our comfortable perch, we just weren’t sitting on it.
It was only that in the darkness all the knotted string had us entangled and confused; once cut loose, it turned out to be a really big fishing net… and it caught everyone of us.
Would you like to have healthy, normal sleep, with no tossing and turning, with healthy, normal, and even lucid dreams; so your brain and mind can do their ‘Administrative Maintenance’ in a healthy, normal way?
Would you like to break free of whatever has you stuck; to finally become that ‘better you’? And then to find in amazement, that… not only is there a LOT of ‘something more’… but, also that you’ve had it with you all the time!
What would that be worth?
I have to ask that, because this is important, and some chances don’t come around very often.
So bring that with you… or, at least the right attitude, and let’s get it done, together. If you’ve ever been waiting for someone to talk with, about all the stuff you can’t talk about with anyone else… this might be your chance.
When we enter this plane in infant human form, a veil of illusion descends upon us. This veil, that we think we are, is what cuts us off from the Source energy that is our True Nature. In the worst of cases, and today, in most cases, it is a veil programmed through trauma.
“i”… am Bodhisattva… a Guide, that, as the reason for the human journey, rejects the Control Systems from the very beginning, with The Will required to do it; then seeks resolution between contradictions found both within the outer world and the inner world within; who discovers, reveals and makes seen what is hidden or obscured, first for himself, and then for those who are ready to see it; which was the very reason for the journey.
It is one of the most difficult life-paths a being can choose to experience while in the container of human form, once fired upon its clock-spring journey. It requires more sheer will to stay on the path of a solitary sage than any other path. Moving with the crowd is easy, moving against it completely alone takes great effort, especially when you are trying to help them all… and so you must disturb the comfortable, as well as comfort the disturbed.
When awareness is given to attached, fixated consciousness, it frustrates the fixed translation the consciousness is imprisoned within, causing cognitive dissonance. If this frustration is allowed, a higher order view is attained that includes the prior views, yet with contradiction washed away; if this frustration is resisted, the being spreading awareness is seen as an enemy, as evil, and attacked.
The very beings the guide is here to serve and save, are the very beings that will flip against and turn upon the guide in persecution of the messenger so as to not be destroyed by the message, in order to defend the Falsehood of the Lie… Avidya, they have come to believe in as being who they are.
To unite and synthesize two views you must disrupt and frustrate both, to a degree; this has to occur initially so that a higher order view can emerge that includes a synthesis of both prior views, but is not of them.
To unite and synthesize two groups you must disrupt and frustrate both, to a degree; this has to occur initially so that a higher order sense of group identity can emerge that includes a synthesis of both prior group identities, but is not of them.
To unite and synthesize ten groups you must disrupt ten groups, to a degree.
I am trying to unite us all… every single sentient being, every species, every race, every group, every religion, every layer of society, and every nation or civilization, whether in space, on the surface or underground.
It’s not that I see or don’t see differences; they are just given no energy from me.
Then, what remains is the similar we all share in common.
Ten people may come to me for help with what they think are dramatically ‘different afflictions’ that even have different names. I don’t see ten different people with ten different afflictions when they come; I see a group of ten people with the same exact Cause for their suffering, irregardless of its varying symptomatic expressions.
Three devout people from three different religions may come to me searching for god or enlightenment or spiritual growth. Each may think they are built different inside than the other two; each may think they are going to different destinations than the other two; and each may think the other two have been led astray by their false religions.
I don’t see three people from three different religions when they come. I see three people having the same human growth experience, trapped in the same delusion, striving to overcome the exact same internal configuration shared by all; and so, largely, I do the same exact thing for all three.
Same cause, same problem, same solution.
Does it matter to a mountain guide that most of the climbers speak different languages and so keep using different sounding throat grunts when referring to the very same rope they’re all holding, the very same waist they all tie the rope around and the very same ice they are all slipping on?
I don’t care what terms a climber wants to call the rope, the waist they tie it around, the ice I’m dragging them out of, or what they think about the direction to go.
I’m still going to throw all of them the same rope, because I see everyone has hands; and I will always suggest their waist to tie it around, because I see that everyone has a waist; and I pull them all in the exact same direction off of the very same ice and away from the very same dangerous cliff because I know that all of them have the very same fear of that cliff and that all of them seek the very same antidote to that very same fear.
Where we part ways is when one of them tries to insist that up is down or east is west or that in is out because someone told them so, or because they read it in a guide book for hikers.
I know instantly if they’re lost or confused.
I’ve guided almost two thousand climbers on this mountain in all conditions, all seasons, all different times of night or day, no matter what condition they came in, or what different words they wanted to use to describe the very same mountain, very same trails, very same rope, very same ice, very same sky and the very same air we all breath.
I’ve already been to the mountaintop once for me; the other trips were for everyone else.
It’s my mountain. There is no part of it i have not guided a person over. There is no part of the mountain that is a mystery. There is no part of the mountain I am afraid of. I have seen all its faces and guided all of you before. I have found the vein of evil hidden within the good, and even the vein of good hidden within the evil.
I have been in almost a thousand homes on 3hr appointments selling natural meats and organic vegetables; have given a hundred speeches at chiropractic clinics and yoga centers concerning how to fast, detox the body and why to meditate, avoid processed foods, vaccines and public water.
I have guided or counseled killers, rapists and their victims, soldiers, politicians, business people, parents, children, gang members, victims of SRA, abductees, contactees, spiritual seekers of all kinds, martial artists, and every kind of person you couldn’t even imagine. It’s far more than I could ever say here.
Excepting severe physical brain trauma and its consequences, addiction to psych medicine and its consequences, there have been no surprises or new things encountered by me for at least the last 100 trips.
I see that everybody puts their pants on the same exact way but still love to argue over how to do it, whether to hold your breath or not, whether it’s ok to talk or not, etc, etc.
I don’t have much time for all of that, when there is a whole crowd of people to help stretched over the trail who all have their pants tangled around their very same kinds of legs the very same kind of way and slipping around on the very same kind of ice and sliding down the very same slope towards the very same destination. I have to help them all, and to do it over the chatter of their insistent declarations about how different they are from each other.
There are so many now that I can no longer personally hold the rope for just individuals in the way I have done in the past. There are so many now I have to leave the crowded, icy trail, climb a bit and find a peak to shout from so all can hear.
There are so many now I need to tell you how to help each other. There are so many now I need to show those who would become guides for others: all my little rope tricks; the special knots I use; how I plant my feet when pulling; how to keep the climbers attention when their hands and legs tire and they want to give up and let go.
This is the beginning of that Work.
- I help them all to first unify and stabilize the very same impermanent structure within each of them that they believe themselves to be; in the doing of this phase, emotional obscurations are identified, addressed and resolved.
- As that is occurring, i help them to negate and dis-identify from their sense of I-ness as that impermanent structure; it is not who they truly are.
- Then, as is revealed within each of them the same Permanent Structure that lies behind the impermanent, i help to affirm That Permanent Structure as being who they Truly Are; even though for a bit yet, it will seem to come and go, because they leave the Bliss of it as the remnant’s of the impermanent structure snare them back, until the cognitive obscurations are identified, addressed and resolved.
- So, i give them Works and a View to help them get back to That within, over and over, as their sense of I-ness shifts to living as/from That within, while the last of the impermanent structure is transmuted, or more precisely, used as food by That within (a religious, mystical, unitive experience is deconstructive, not constructive). As this occurs the Bliss phases end as they come to stabilize there and live from That Empty Fullness within as a structure, rather than a state or stage.
- Then, i help as That within, merges with That without, and becomes the structure from which they live. As that occurs, there is a period of total inner silence and continuous awareness without any sleep at all.
This 5th period lasted two years in ‘my’ case and i am now in the eleventh year of ripening beyond that final silence.
That two years of inner silence was preceded by 4-5 years of extreme fasting, a vegetarian diet and yoga postures; which, through countless adjustments and eventual 4-5 hour yoga sessions spiraled the old body apart and spiraled a new one back together. That two year experience was also preceded by two years of meditation and self-inquiry that spiraled the false me apart and revealed That which remains.
That two year experience occurred during seventeen years in prison for LSD, marijuana and a gun. Here is my Supreme Court Case. I have been out for 10 years and am 51 years old.
If I had life to live over, because of how much I got out of it, I would do it all again.
Though i have taught, or guided others continuously during all those phases of the journey, it is only this year that i have become able to write again without there being a question from another to create a response from within me; only this year that i can type the letter ‘I’. Much of what you will read of my words was written or spoke during the above mentioned periods of ‘my’ journey; there are over a thousand pages yet to be prepared and published.
Each person I have guided generates a minimum of 4 sheets of paper, so I know that of the 700 people that came to me while in prison for this Work, only about 50-75 ‘made’ it to this final silence during our time together in there. The rest were ‘working’ the levels beneath when I saw them last.
I have no evidence that the final silence can be ‘attained’ without serious meditative work. I have a few things that are a lot of help towards the doing of that work.
For about a 2-3 year period, at any given moment, i had three to five fellas at a time with the I dying in their mouths; a phase during the process of nestling into That within and going into the non-dual.
For those who would be about this Work, or who know that the key to our struggles… is to reestablish connection with the Source Energy within us as we drop our illusory, programmed views; there is something i am to give you, and the doing of that is the very purpose for my existence.
It took my entire life as a single-minded mission to end up with it; and required the sacrifice of everything that you or society values as dear.
The cost of tuition is high for The Knowledge of Direct Experience; countless times I have paid that price, accepting that everything I was going through was part of the agreement, was towards the highest good for us all, and that it was necessary to attain this level of understanding.
I have left two wonderful women and driven a third away.
I have lived in 31 state, federal prisons and jails over 17 years. I have lived in gated elite compounds; arrived by helicopter in corporate enclaves, lived in high rises, nuclear underground fortresses, trailer parks, tar-paper shacks, garages, sheds, car washes, slept in dumpsters and lived off of leftovers out of McDonald’s trash cans.
I have bathed in rivers, garden hoses, bath houses, slept in 700 yr old chalets on top of and under eider-down everything and had Japanese girls violate me in a tub during my baths.
I have seen life and death, birthed 4 babies in a tub for 3 different women; smelled excrement from a 100 men over a dozen different times for fear and tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a spoon as they dropped all around.
I was in Memphis, Tennessee during a horrible riot over the disparity between crack and powder cocaine sentencing; lived 2 days under my desk in the Unicor Manufacturing building where it all started with a piece of cardboard pulled in front of me. When it was finally over, only 200 of us were left on the compound out of 2,000. The rest were shipped away.
I have never really slept for more than a year in the same place.
Just tonight I slept on the smallest of couches in a puddle of 4 kitties and 3 dogs; good thing I only need a few hours a day or I would of woke them all just by turning over.
I have laughed at the sky as lightning bolts from the biggest storm I have ever seen or heard of being possible shattered trees so close my hair was standing on end and the ozone so thick I literally couldn’t breathe as I shook my fist at the sky and dared the universe to take me. I fell to my knees, passed out and died because you can’t breathe pure ozone. It took me a week to recover and I still don’t breathe right.
I have died 3 times… full-blown NDE’s, turned my back to the light and declared I am not ready yet, because I have something to say to all of you.
Only someone who has been in both ditches could even possibly know where the middle of the road is.
I was a natural-born heretic and never able to do anything normal; countless times I turned left when all others stampeded to the right. Because of the unusual way I have lived and taught, I have no money, no car, no home, no real possessions and nothing left for me to do but to deliver this package; to download back into our Collective Consciousness… The One that we are… what has been collected.
I have never identified with any religion. I did always refer to ‘the universe’ in the way many would refer to a god; but ‘my’ universe contained all of their gods.
I had no teacher, no tradition and no path followed. So, with the exception of ‘hearing the words of a teacher’, I somehow traversed all the Ox-herding Stages and touched all Eight Limbs of Yoga …not really knowing anyone else had ever done so! My reading in life had avoided all things that smacked of religion.
I had a fierce and burning, all-consuming desire to find something that did not change, come or go… Anicca, the impermanence of all phenomena, and then announced at age 8 that I was here to help others, and was not here for myself. (service to self or service to others… The Lesser or Greater Vehicle of Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism)
For those that may think me to be fame-seeking… I have never sought fame or recognition, though ‘my story’ is probably big enough to have done so. You haven’t heard half of it yet.
I have purposely hidden, bounced from place to place and let people call me by different names so that I could keep teaching individuals without being identified as ‘affiliated’ with ‘this or that’.
I have let seekers call me teacher by many different titles because they needed to do so; some of those may soon come forth.
I have done everything possible so that the world does not recognize my face, does not know my name, all while trying to teach and expound the Dharma.
I am no longer truly Bodhisattva… (it’s complicated, more on that later) am well beyond the Tenth Bhumi; a source of Truth and Law… Dharma… regarding the levels beneath and beyond; have recalled the chain of rebirths thoroughly… and even found those that were missing!
You will allow, I hope, for Upaya… Skillful Means; but that could require that you know my audience… and maybe you don’t, or maybe it isn’t you. (Even Buddha said that)
Collaboration or competition is not a choice for me; I will collaborate with anyone; but do not want to compete.
If I ever meet one of you that truly Knows, we probably won’t talk much at all… we’ll just sit smiling at each other… the empty fullness I am being the same empty fullness that you are.
Can you find all four Dharma Seals in my teachings? Because, after allowing for a touch of skillful means… I know EXACTLY where they are.
For or against in the blink of an eye… I am the sword that divides.
I will try to have text, an audio recording of each text and a video at the youtube channel with nothing on the screen so that translators from anywhere can translate and scroll their language across the screen.
I have copyrighted everything under creative commons copyright, free even to use commercially, in whole or in part, so long as credits are given so that I can defend this modality for a bit.
I don’t have any 30$ books for sale, no ads on my sites and have never charged even one single person from the thousands of people I have helped. I have been broke and homeless, literally living on alms, alone but never lonely… for years.
If you wish to help fund me and become a patron so I can roar louder, visit my Patreon crowd-funding site or contact me personally. I cannot yet commit to very much because of how I live, but know just what to do with any amount of help given.
If I am to do more, resources will appear; if I am not, they won’t.
This life-stream is the final fulfillment of an ancient vow once made, but I am sorry to tell you that the I that made it is gone. There is no longer an ‘I’… that can promise to come again.
The only vow ‘i’ can now make is this… until this body drops or is taken from me… for so long as you are seeking That within… your guide i will be.
After having lived everywhere and every kind of way, I put this together for you on a donated laptop, used while sitting on a neighbors porch for the electric and internet, in the hills of West Virginia, USA.
Help me get back to civilization. Help me deliver the work of many lifetimes spent getting here, in order to be ready with this now when it is so needed.
Think of me like a memory stick with a virus in it that will cause us, both individually and collectively, to face the Shadow of our Lie, thereby piercing the veil, so that our core beingness can wash through in order to defrag and condense our spiritual hard drive… so that we vibrate higher, as a whole.
Only then can we know who, and where, The True Enemy is.
Only then can we divert the energy within The One we are all a part of, from destruction to nurture, from competition to cooperation, from attention to differences to acknowledgment of similarities, from creating scarcity to allowing the emergence of plenitude, from scarcity consciousness to abundance consciousness, from blocking the emergence of awareness to simply allowing it, from destroying the emergent divinity within us to letting it transform us.
Of the five choices available for Conflict-Resolution, thinking first of others is the only chance of a win-win solution.
It is a decision between Service to Self or Service to Others; The Lesser or Greater Vehicle of Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism.
For me there is only The Mission… Win-Win for The All, The One that we are, with no one left out.
Once upon a time, there were three mice that lived in a big cave system. They spent all their time searching for cheese to eat. One day they came upon a ginormous, hundred-foot tall, mile-long mountain of cheese filling up a huge cavern. It was more than they could climb over in a month, and more than they could eat in lifetimes; so they stayed there happily for years, growing fat and lazy.
One morning they awakened to discover the entire mountain of cheese was gone! Not even a crumb remained; somebody had taken it all during the night.
Immediately, one mouse went to go find more cheese.
The second mouse started trying to figure out who took it.
The third mouse sat down to wait for them to bring it back.
I’m that first type of mouse, who took off 45 years ago on a Quest for Cheese during the 3rd grade when I realized what was missing.
But I’m not coming back with it triumphant and cheering. I am a step short of the entrance to the big cave; disappearing as I toss this little ball of cheese through the door and hoping someone will pick it up and help me start feeding everyone.
It may not look like that big, glittering mountain… but it’s enough to feed us all if you’ll spread it around.
The Quest has tired me greatly, but left Wisdom in its place; i am still being taught by life and just this moment realized another Pearl of Wisdom denied to the young…
The Journey of a Thousand Miles ends with a single step.
I sure hope you really like cheese.
It took awhile… they’re reeaal nervous in West Virgina… but they love cheese too!